Turning the Page: A Confesson of Confusion


A Confession of Confusion

I have a confession to make.

I’m going through a bit of an existential-twenty-something-what-is-my-life-and-passions crisis. I had a pretty bad week last week and I’m still trying to figure out what I can do to make this one and subsequent ones better. As my parents told me, I’m too young to be so bored with life.

I like reading. I enjoy books. But I also enjoy other crafts. Like cross-stitching. I have yet to finish any project. I started one with mice making clothes, but it got so tangled. I ran out of a certain brown and the colors weren’t labeled in the first place so I had a hard time figuring out which shade of brown was the brown the pattern was calling for. So I’m now working on an artsy-looking rose (cue the Tyrell grandmother from HBO’s Game of Thrones) and so far it’s going well. It requires attention.

I enjoy video games. I’m currently playing Mass Effect 3, despite putting it off for over a year. With the ending outrage, I spoiled it for myself and consequently didn’t want my fem Shep (her name is Rose, coincidentally) dying or the universe as I know it ending. I love that series so much; it’s the kind of science fiction that I just eat up.

I enjoy other things too, not all of them hobbies. But what is it that I want to do?

It’s a question with multiple facets. What is it that I want to do right now? What is that I want to do for the next five years? What is that I’d like to do for work? What is that I’m currently trying to do but not doing?

If you have read my blog at all, you might have seen a series of posts about the Book Expo America. It’s the major publishing/book trade show in NYC. It’s a big deal for book lovers and book industry people. I had two motivations originally in wanting to go: I wanted to experience all the books and I wanted to make connections with the industry.

But planning can be a bitch. Trying to plan a trip to NYC on a tight budget is never fun. It resulted in me making heinous plans to drive up early in the morning on the first day of the expo to then drive home after the second. Additionally, through a certain level of bad luck and bad planning, I was going to be going by myself. No friends, just whoever I would meet there during the expo.

I might still look into bus transportation, but I’m no longer certain if the cost and stress is going to be worth it. Perhaps I would be better cutting my losses now (guess I shouldn’t have bought that young adult breakfast ticket!) and saving what money I can for a beach trip, or perhaps a road trip with friends to Nashville. Sure there won’t be books, and sure it won’t be the cool experience of a trade show, but perhaps I’d be better making better plans for it next year. Perhaps next year I could find someone who is as crazy about books as I am to go with, or perhaps figure out a way to make the logistics work better.

I’m still undecided about whether I’m going to pull out of BEA. I’m currently leaning towards doing something else with my time, separate from books with that time…like going on a horseback tour of Gettysburg during its 150 year anniversary, attending a wine festival with friends, or visiting a friend in Richmond.

And when I make that decision, I’ll be one question less in my perpetual self-asking. Maybe I’ll be one step closer to figuring things out.

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